So, needless to say...it's been awhile since I've last posted anything!! Being a momma to FOUR has made me a bit busy!! We've had the girls for sometime now! They officially moved in on Thursday, December 16, 2010. Little did we know that our lives would be forever changed and that we would be better for it.
Things have been well, crazy! I can honestly say that I never expected things to be the way that they are. We have something that needs to get done on a daily basis....most days I feel like a taxi. With 4 social workers and a CASA worker we have people stopping by all of the time. Most days all you can do is laugh at the circus our lives have become...but in the midst of the chaos, there is PEACE! The kind of peace that only our Lord can bring.
Looking back to when we started down the road to adoption (almost a year ago), "F" the lead case manager from our FFA once said to us, "It's always the people who say that their faith strong, that are put to the hardest test." In my ignorance I scoffed and thought, "That may be the case for others but, that surely wouldn't be the case for us!!" Boy, was I wrong!!
I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been reduced to nothing. I've been broken and re-molded so many times. Every part of my desires have been changed. Fortunately, our God is good and He doesn't do all of the breaking at once!! He'll only do what needs to be done on a daily basis. Never before have I had to completely and totally depend on God to meet me everyday. There are days where I wake and say, "Ok God, I cannot manage today. I need you!" Daily, sometimes even hourly He supplies my every need!! Every time I feel like I cannot possibly take one more step or that my heart cannot ache anymore than it does, my God meets me and reminds me that in my weakness He is my strength. My biggest challenge hasn't been the girls, it has been me. My attitude has more often than not been...poopy!
When this whole notion of adoption began, I knew what I wanted. I had envisioned how things would be...we'd have this beautiful little girl who looked like us, who adored us as we do her, who would call us mommy and daddy. I would dress up in cute little baby Tom's and little baby Lucky jeans or maybe a custom made tutu...Oh how I would get lost in what I dreamed our little princess would be like!! Just thinking about what I wanted made me bitter about what I had.
We didn't get our darling baby girl. We didn't get what we wanted. What we got was a 14 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter. They are both beautiful young ladies...but just that, young ladies. They aren't cute or adorable!! Sometimes they can even be down right obnoxious. I can't even tell you how many conversations with God began like this: "God are you sure?!!?" or, "This is not funny!" or "I don't like this at all!" I'm ashamed to say that at one point I was even mad at how unfair this whole thing was. After all, God knew my hearts desire, He knew that more than anything I wanted a daughter. He knew how long I had prayed and fasted and cried out to Him. What gives?! My poor attitude poisoned the atmosphere like a toxic cloud and before long, Joseph was just as sad as I was.
Then, while in prayer, God challenged me, "Who are you doing this for?! For you or for Me?!" I was blown away. I had been so selfish, I was so focused on what I wanted that I couldn't, wouldn't enjoy the daughters that God had chosen for us. I feel on face and repented...This is for your glory and your honor God. Lord, not my will but yours. I knew that if things were going to be different I had to change my heart. I had to give up what I wanted and replace it for what God wanted and stop trying to make the girls what I wanted them to be and allow God to mold them into what He created them to be.
From that day on our course has never been the same. Our family is a happier place! The "Littles and Big" have a momma who is honored that God called our family to show His love in action. Everyday, I am thankful that God graciously navigated me though the labyrinth of selfishness that I had trapped myself in and has brought us to the place we are at right now.
I've heard from many people, "The girls are so blessed to have you guys as parents!" The simple truth is, we are blessed by them. While they may not fit my "order" or my dream of what they would be like. They are exactly what we needed! Never in my life have I been this close to God. Never in my life have I had to rely on Him to get through another day. As much as they needed us, we needed them. As much as we've changed their lives, they have changed ours.
Our court date is in a couple of weeks and if the judge so decides the girls' birth parents will lose their parental rights and the girls will be our to adopt. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but the reality is, adoption comes from loss...great loss. Most days, my heart aches for the girls birth parents. I woke up teary on Mother's Day wondering if "G" (the girls birth mom) is happy that her girls are being loved or if she is saddened by their absence in her life, or if she even realizes just how much they miss her. I pray for the girls birth parents all the time...I love the girls, and because I love the girls, I care about their birth parents.
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