Look, how far we've come

So, needless to say...it's been awhile since I've last posted anything!!  Being a momma to FOUR has made me a bit busy!!  We've had the girls for sometime now!  They officially moved in on Thursday, December 16, 2010.  Little did we know that our lives would be forever changed and that we would be better for it.

Things have been well, crazy!  I can honestly say that I never expected things to be the way that they are.  We have something that needs to get done on a daily basis....most days I feel like a taxi.  With 4 social workers and a CASA worker we have people stopping by all of the time.  Most days all you can do is laugh at the circus our lives have become...but in the midst of the chaos, there is PEACE!  The kind of peace that only our Lord can bring.

Looking back to when we started down the road to adoption (almost a year ago), "F" the lead case manager from our FFA once said to us, "It's always the people who say that their faith strong, that are put to the hardest test."  In my ignorance I scoffed and thought, "That may be the case for others but, that surely wouldn't be the case for us!!"  Boy, was I wrong!!

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been reduced to nothing.  I've been broken and re-molded so many times.  Every part of my desires have been changed.  Fortunately, our God is good and He doesn't do all of the breaking at once!!  He'll only do what needs to be done on a daily basis.  Never before have I had to completely and totally depend on God to meet me everyday.  There are days where I wake and say, "Ok God, I cannot manage today.  I need you!"  Daily, sometimes even hourly He supplies my every need!!  Every time I feel like I cannot possibly take one more step or that my heart cannot ache anymore than it does, my God meets me and reminds me that in my weakness He is my strength.  My biggest challenge hasn't been the girls, it has been me.  My attitude has more often than not been...poopy! 

When this whole notion of adoption began, I knew what I wanted.  I had envisioned how things would be...we'd have this beautiful little girl who looked like us, who adored us as we do her, who would call us mommy and daddy.  I would dress up in cute little baby Tom's and little baby Lucky jeans or maybe a custom made tutu...Oh how I would get lost in what I dreamed our little princess would be like!!  Just thinking about what I wanted made me bitter about what I had.

We didn't get our darling baby girl.  We didn't get what we wanted.  What we got was a 14 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter.  They are both beautiful young ladies...but just that, young ladies.  They aren't cute or adorable!!  Sometimes they can even be down right obnoxious.  I can't even tell you how many conversations with God began like this: "God are you sure?!!?" or, "This is not funny!" or "I don't like this at all!"  I'm ashamed to say that at one point I was even mad at how unfair this whole thing was.  After all, God knew my hearts desire, He knew that more than anything I wanted a daughter.  He knew how long I had prayed and fasted and cried out to Him.  What gives?!  My poor attitude poisoned the atmosphere like a toxic cloud and before long, Joseph was just as sad as I was.

Then, while in prayer, God challenged me, "Who are you doing this for?!  For you or for Me?!"  I was blown away.  I had been so selfish, I was so focused on what I wanted that I couldn't, wouldn't enjoy the daughters that God had chosen for us.  I feel on face and repented...This is for your glory and your honor God.  Lord, not my will but yours.  I knew that if things were going to be different I had to change my heart. I had to give up what I wanted and replace it for what God wanted and stop trying to make the girls what I wanted them to be and allow God to mold them into what He created them to be. 

From that day on our course has never been the same.  Our family is a happier place!  The "Littles and Big" have a momma who is honored that God called our family to show His love in action.  Everyday, I am thankful that God graciously navigated me though the labyrinth of selfishness that I had trapped myself in and has brought us to the place we are at right now.

I've heard from many people, "The girls are so blessed to have you guys as parents!"  The simple truth is, we are blessed by them.  While they may not fit my "order" or my dream of what they would be like.  They are exactly what we needed!  Never in my life have I been this close to God.  Never in my life have I had to rely on Him to get through another day.  As much as they needed us, we needed them.  As much as we've changed their lives, they have changed ours. 

Our court date is in a couple of weeks and if the judge so decides the girls' birth parents will lose their parental rights and the girls will be our to adopt.  Adoption is a beautiful thing, but the reality is, adoption comes from loss...great loss.  Most days, my heart aches for the girls birth parents.  I woke up teary on Mother's Day wondering if "G" (the girls birth mom) is happy that her girls are being loved or if she is saddened by their absence in her life, or if she even realizes just how much they miss her.  I pray for the girls birth parents all the time...I love the girls, and because I love the girls, I care about their birth parents.

Don't understand....

I simply cannot understand why if there are kids waiting for a forever home, things take so long.  We've been matched with the girls as of 10/26/10 yet nothing seems to have gotten done!!  It seems to me that social workers have their own time.  We were supposed to have a meeting for the girls last Tuesday, then it was postponed until Thursday then it was changed to next Tuesday.  I'm praying that we the girls' social worker and our social worker actually get to have the meeting next Tuesday.  After that, if things go well we have a full disclosure meeting (who knows when that is going to happen).  At the full disclosure meeting if things go well we set up pre-placement visitation visits.  We really would love to have the girls be a part of our Thanksgiving.  God willing we'll have them by Christmas.  

So still more waiting...my friend is going through the same process and she said, "Welcome to fost-adopt," apparently this is how it goes. Such is life, I know it will be worth it in the end.

God's up to something....

On November 20th Joseph and I attended an adoption fair.  We weren't going to go, in fact we had agreed to not go.  I had envisioned desperate parents and sad children.  Uhhh yea, no thank you.  We didn't want to be among the desperately seeking spawn. 

Anyhow, on Wednesday we woke up and new that we were suppose to go.  Joseph asked his boss if he could leave early and to our surprise he said yes.  I got a sub for my class and off we went.

I laughed when we got there because I knew all of the kids by name....a sign that I had obviously spent way too much time on the adoptable children web-sites.  Prior to going to the fair, I had seen these two girls on Wednesday's Child and said to Joseph that I thought they were cute.  "Too old! No!" 

We met Rebecca and Amy, two very cute sisters (the same sisters I had shown Joseph the week before) at the fair.  Immediately I was drawn to them.  We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with the girls and getting to know them.

We submitted our match request and guess what we were matched!!!!  Joseph and I were together when we got the e-mail saying we were in a match with the girls.  We both cried. Well, I sobbed, tears just rolled down his eyes.

What's next?!  Waiting and more waiting!  Will keep you all posted!

Here's the girls:  http://wednesdayschild.adopt.org/node/1144

New Found Hobby!

So, in an attempt to get my mind off of things I joined a scrap booking forum and found myself to be much more knowledgeable than I had originally thought.  Which seems to be the story of my life.  I never give myself enough credit for what I can actually do! 

So this last week, I found myself on my community suggesting Cricut cartridges to people who needed specific fonts and had asked for help!!  I had an answer AND was able to give suggestions because, while I'm not an expert (yet) in all things Cricut I love my machine and use it all the time! 

Here's where my worlds collide...not by accident I'm sure but by the hand of God!! 

This week on 10/20 we went to an adoption fair.  At first we were not going to attend because I had mixed feelings about the event.  People like Joseph and me go to these types of events to meet adoptable kids.  And kids who are able to be adopted attend to scope out parents.

We met these two sisters who melted our hearts and took us by surprise!  Our home study is for a single girl, under the age of five.  These girls are thirteen and nine!!  WAY older than we thought we would consider.....but as you know, sometimes what we have planned and what God has planned aren't always the same!!

So, with my new found hobby in hand I set out to put together a mini scrap book that can sent to our prospective child/ren in the event that we are placed.....can you guess who I asked for help in trying to decided what I should have in this scrap book?  That's right!!  My new on-line community, even learned that this mini scrap book can be turned into what is called a "Life Book" for our adopted child/ren when we are finally able to adopt! 

Passing time

So, in my quest to become more techie I've joined an online forum for scrapbookers.  It's been really interesting thus far and found that even though I am relatively new to scrapbooking...I'm pretty good at it!  Not great, but pretty decent!  I thought that navigating the in's and out's of an online community would be hard but well, I must be pretty smart too because it wasn't. : )  Not that I'm well on the way to becoming a scrap-master scrapbooker, I'm feeling pretty confident.  Having a Cricut helps a little I'm sure! I answered some questions that people had and was pretty proud of myself for putting myself out there ya know?

This has been kind of a de-stresser for me because we haven't gotten anywhere with our adoption yet...no calls, no prospective children....n o t h i n g!!! 

If you're a scrapbooker check out this forum:
http://www.scrapbook.com/forums/index.php

Finally got it!

A person whom I respect very much and love even more was very real yesterday.  She will never know how much she means to me and to my family.  There aren't a lot of people who are real with me, you know.  People always tell you what you want to hear not what you need to hear.  Everyone is always so worried about hurting your feelings or offending you.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to be mean to one another but constructive truth is important in our Christian walk!  PP was so truthful that I was almost hurt.  I wasn't hurt though, just thankful and blessed by it. 

PP, spoke about understanding God's love.  She said that when you truly understand God's love you'll "get it."  The things that are making you worry or anxious won't be important because you can rest in His perfect plan for your life, in His unfailing love.  There is so much going on in my life that is making me anxious that I lost sight of that.  She said, that I if truly understood God's love I'd understand that He has a plan for me, for Isaiah, for our family.  I thought, "Hey!!!  I DO understand what God's love is like!  What are you talking about?!"  I love her so very much and thought that I should just take in her words and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal it's truth to me.

Today, I have a greater peace than I've had in a long time.  I know that God has a perfect plan (Jeremiah 29:11) for me, for, Joseph, for Isaiah, for Ethan and for our daughter wherever she may be. 

Thanks PP for loving me enough to tell me the truth!! 

Nothing's Changed.......

This week was a rather quiet week!!  Nothing happened, well at least nothing in the natural.  No calls or e-mails from our social worker. Nothing, zero, zip, nada!  I think that's what makes this limbo so hard.  I know that Lori is busy, but I just wish she'd call or send me an e-mail to let me know that she hasn't heard anything.  Wishful thinking I'm sure.

I know God is working in the super-natural and that we won't always see what He's doing.  But, God is good and He is so faithful to remind us that He hasn't forgotten our silent prayers, or the longing of our hearts.

Last Sunday at church Bob L., held his hands out to me and in a very excited tone said, "you're almost due!" I teared up and thought, I knew I shouldn't have worn this shirt, I must look pregnant!  I fought back the tears and said, "I'm not pregnant." and he said, "Not in the natural, Teresa...but your time is coming!" 

Thanks Jesus for the confirmation that you're working behind the scenes!  Thank you Bob L. for giving me a word of encouragement!!  So we wait and wait and wait some more.